Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
