it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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