I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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