True but thats because hes a fetus.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
