So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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