im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
