the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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