I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize