a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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