then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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