you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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