Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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