I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
