She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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