I am puke
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
