Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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