I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
