apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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