u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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