I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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