its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
