she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
