JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
