Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
