he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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