i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
