A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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