Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
