I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
