No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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