I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
