I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
