Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
