Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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