Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
