You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
