so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this boner is exhausting
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
