walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
