I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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