also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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