I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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