White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
