proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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