smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
