Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
