just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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