First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
