so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
