just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
