How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
In America we eat man semen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
