So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
