I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
