shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
