dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
