Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
